Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts

Thursday, November 27, 2025

Director’s Cut with Kanu Behl: “There’s a huge distinction between sympathy and empathy (for violent men)”

The director (left) with Agra cast members Aanchal Goswami and Mohit Agarwal

India’s independent filmmaking scene witnessed a flurry of activity this month. It began with Kanu Behl posting an alert on social media before his film Agra’s release. “We’re being denied shows because of the so called ‘big blockbusters’ and because small films ‘don’t fit into’ multiplex chain programming...,” he wrote.

 

Days later, 46 indie filmmakers from across India issued a statement on “the shrinking space for independent cinema”. Behl has since stated that efforts are on to set up a formal collective. 

 

Agra is one among numerous Indian indies that have earned critical acclaim at international and even Indian festivals, but struggle to get theatrical space in India. It was premiered in May 2023 at the Director’s Fortnight, which runs parallel to the Cannes Film Festival. Behl’s debut feature, Titli, a crime drama set in Delhi, was premiered at the Un Certain Regard section of Cannes in 2014.

 

 

In my review on Himal Southasian in 2023, I had summarised Agra in these words: 

 

Guru’s dingy house…lies at the heart of the conflict in his family. The troubled 24-year-old and his mother occupy the ground floor, while his father occupies the upper storey with a live-in partner. Guru is dissatisfied with this arrangement and demands a room on the terrace for himself and his girlfriend. His mother, bitter about being abandoned by her husband, wants a section of the building apportioned to her and her niece. The atmosphere is thick with an acrid rage as members of the household constantly clash. Guru is lonely, desperate for a woman in his bed, brimming with a volcanic intensity and potential for savagery… Throughout Agra, he is conscious of two wants: sex and space.

 

Guru is played by newcomer Mohit Agarwal. Theatre and film artiste Priyanka Bose stars here as Priti, a woman who runs an Internet cafĂ© and enters into a relationship with him. His father is played by Rahul Roy whose calling card remains the 1990 blockbuster Aashiqui.

 

This interview with Behl is part of the Director’s Cut series I began in 2016, in which I speak to a director after watching their new film, and dissect it with them to the extent that they are willing. The idea is to defy the norm prevalent in India of the crew and cast of films giving interviews while promoting a new venture without previewing it for the press, thus robbing the public of enriching conversations on cinema. Such as this one in which Behl gives me his interpretation of certain aspects of Agra, and addresses concerns that the film left me with. 

 

Excerpts:  

 

Q: It’s clear to me from Agra and Titli that you’re interested in a study of violence as a consequence of male sexual repression, patriarchy, and segregation. What is the root of that interest? 

 

A: I slightly differ from this view. Titli was about family, how images pass on within a family from generation to generation. It had a direct connection to violence. Agra is about sexuality, how our sexual lives affect the physical spaces we occupy and our relationships, and how these spaces in turn affect our sexual lives. It so happens that both films are set in a similar culture and background, and we live in a patriarchal society, so even if that’s not the intention, you see those things play out. But essentially, they are about entirely different things. 

 


Q: I’m not saying Agra and Titli are similar. But for me, one of Titli’s most striking scenes was the one in which a man tries to force himself on his bride. It doesn’t define the film, but it shook me up, which is why I ask about your interest in violence as a consequence of male sexual repression, patriarchy, segregation, etc. 

 

A: I’d like to put it the same way, Anna – that’s not what I’m pinpointedly interested in. For me, it’s about going into different metas of these two different worlds. Once you’re on that path, you want to do as much of a 3D exploration as possible of the characters you’re playing with, including their myriad qualities of desire and sexuality, and portray them with nuance.

 

Q: The name Agra automatically brings to mind two things in north India: the Taj Mahal and the mental asylum. Mental health is an element in this film. Did you intend to contrast the eternal love the Taj is supposed to symbolise versus the cynicism – is it correct to call it that? – with which you view “love” in this film? 

 

A: I was not trying to speak about love. Anyway, the conventional idea of love is almost advertising material. It’s sold to us. I’m not  interested in that way of looking at it. 

 

This film is not about mental illness either for me. It’s a thin line. The name Agra is more an ironic reference to Agra Ka Paagalkhana, the mental asylum, and not because a conventional person might look at Guru and say, ‘Yeh ladka bimaar hain.’ (This boy is unwell.) 

 

I feel that if Guru is unwell, then the remaining characters in his house are even more unwell. Because in his own damaged way, without having the vocabulary, he’s the only one trying to ask troubled questions in that house. When he says, “Main Mala ko ghar laoonga, kamra banaoonga, main rahoonga vahaan jaise aap rehte ho Aunty ke saath,” (I’ll bring Mala home, I’ll make a room and live there just as you live with Aunty), in essence he’s saying, ‘What the fuck is going on in this house? You’re living with a mistress, I’m sleeping in the same room as my mother. What are you doing?’ To his mother in his anger, he’s saying, ‘Why are you not talking about it? How can you accept her?’ To the mistress, ‘How are you still in this house?’ or ‘If you want to be in this house, how is the mother still here?’ He doesn’t know how to say it in as many words. But he’s the only one fighting for the truth in that house. 

 

It’s a reverse coming of age. By the end, it’s almost an acceptance of defeat, ki Theek hai, if you don’t want to discuss anything openly and honestly, and if all that’s important to you is the transaction of space and the house in our relationships, then fuckers let me show you how the transaction is done.’ Because in today’s world, you cannot be naive enough to think that patriarchy and having three women, or running your life around your cock – pardon my word – will get you anywhere. In today’s world, with the crunch of space, if you want a five-storey house, then there will be an amputation. The foundation of the house will go. The bottom two floors will go to the builder. ‘So if you want the five-storey house, I’ll get you it. But then, let me show you the world we are heading to. Let’s all feel the amputation.’ The long montage of the construction of the house towards the end is, in essence, all these people dissolving their differences, suddenly happy with each other. They even accept the woman who two scenes back they said didn’t love Guru, just because the two have facilitated the house. 

 

I wanted Agra to represent all the madnesses of each character. It was my attempt at a gaze into all our daily lives that are full of transactions. 

 

The deeper I went while writing with Atika, the more we realised – I remember both of us said it at one point – ki ‘Yaar yeh ghar hi paagalkhana hai’ (this house itself is a madhouse). The moment we said that, we decided to set it in Agra and call it Agra. Because in India, Agra is not first associated with the Taj, but with Agra ka Paagalkhana. So it felt like an apt, not-overbearing metaphor for the film. 

 

[Note: The reference here is to the Institute of Mental Health and Hospital, Agra, once known as Agra Lunatic Asylum.]

 

Q: You said you don’t subscribe to the notion of love that’s like advertising material. Is Agra your way of saying that the notion of love is just a romanticisation of lust and carnal desire that humans invented to make ourselves feel superior to other living beings that make no pretence of sex being anything other than purely functional? 

 

A: Yes, in some ways the idea of love is built around a sort of romanticisation of the act of having sex, and hiding our most carnal, animal selves. It contributes to our view of our species as being more social, whereas I think underneath our social garb, we’re all still solitary and unable to connect with others. On the other hand, I also think there’s a form of evolved love that we start to acknowledge as we grow older. That’s the love we feel – or let’s call it kinship – as we witness each other’s lives. The former can seem too cynical, and I don’t have that gaze on personal relationships. My idea of love is about witnessing another person, about listening, not just talking.

 

Guru and Priti in the film are damaged people who have a strange sort of kinship and faith in each other, which they choose to call love. It’s both sexual and transactional. They’re trying to find a truth within that transactional moment and be with each other with some sort of unity. For me, that’s the purest coming together in the film. 

 


Q: What do you mean by calling them damaged?

 

I’m talking about perception. The world’s gaze on them is that they are damaged goods, ki ‘yeh paagal hai’ and ‘yeh langdi hai’. But when they come together they find the human beings in each other. They accept the transactionality they’re feeling in each other. They’re ready to form some sort of bricks and mortar with it. That relationship speaks of the possibility of making connections that human beings have within ourselves. 

 

Q: What was your thinking in not showing the Taj at all during the film? 

 

A: I’m not interested in the Taj as the symbol of love. It’s banal now. Just going there is banal. I don’t think I had anything further to explore through that lens. 

 

Q: How much of Agra is taking place in Guru’s mind, how much is reality? 

 

A: (Laughs) That’s a tough one. I don’t know how to answer this. 

 

If you’re asking me this storytelling-wise, because there is an imaginary character in the story, so you want to know if anything else is imagined, then no, everything else is real. 

 

But if you’re asking this perception-wise, then all of it is happening in Guru’s head. And after a point, all the characters are Guru. Because you’re seeing all the characters essentially from the stomach of their sexual sides. Hence the use of the colours in the film. 

 

I wanted a little negative space in the film so that we could enter his head, feel the chaos in it, and sense the white noise you feel when you’re so sexually repressed. Because everyone has a public face, a private face and a secret face. When I started writing the film, I was afraid because I’d felt sexual repression in my life, but probably not to the degree Guru has felt it. I’m probably at 10, the character I’m about to write is at 100. I didn’t want to do an external job of it. So I underwent a six-month process to get close to the repression he’s feeling. I put myself in some situations, obviously staying safe for myself and others, like extensively surfing chat rooms, sometimes posing as women, sometimes as boys or as myself, and just lived Guru’s life. I knew I had the time, space and texture of this film when I realised that if you’re this sexually repressed, the negotiator between your public and secret space completely breaks off, your private space gets annihilated, and you end up living two separate lives – a public life and a secret life. You lead your public life to feed your secret life. And there’s no private life left, because you don’t have space for it any more. The moment I knew this and sensed the chaos it brings, the white noise you feel, I got the idea for those colours in the film. 

 

That’s my answer to your question, “How much of this is happening inside Guru’s head?” It’s all happening in his head because he’s the creator and the finder of that white noise mode. He’s creating it in order to figure out how to exit it. As soon as you enter this world through his gaze, you explore the same white noise to various degrees through all the characters in the film. 

 

Q: Would you explain the public self, private self and secret self? 

 

A: The secret self is Guru alone with himself in the bathroom. The private self is Guru having sex with Priti. Our private lives are with our spouse, our children, our parents. Our secret lives are alone – our kinks, our deviant selves, the moments we spend with ourselves, playing out our fantasies exactly the way we want them, even away from what we might do with our spouses. The moment we get out of that masturbation or fantasising session, we push it to the back of our heads. We forget about it. We don’t want to live with our secret lives. Our secret lives are that silo of our lives that we only play out with ourselves. 

 

All of us have these silos. Forget acknowledging it to other people, we don’t even acknowledge it to ourselves. Sometimes, we wake up in the morning, and in the first half second of waking, we think about things that we push to the back of our heads for the rest of the week. But it is there in our head. We did feel it or think about it in that half second. 

 

Q: What did you feel for Guru? 

 

A: I feel sorry for him. Because in the larger context, if we look at men trying to survive in patriarchal structures while desperately trying to keep their masculine external images intact, the amount of posture that is needed is a travesty. I don’t know if Guru is separate enough from me for me to be able to feel separately for him. I think he is so much me also, that I can only say what I was trying to feel through him. The film is sort of my lament, like a boy saying, ‘Why are you not talking about this stuff?’ and eventually deciding, ‘If you don’t talk about it, this is what happens.’ 

 

Q: Is it necessary to empathise with such a violent man in order to tackle these issues? 

 

A: It’s necessary to empathise with each and every human being, however difficult they are. Because no one is born a murderer or rapist. We are all little children born from similar wombs, if not the same womb. If we cannot reserve our empathy for the most difficult birds of our nest, how do we call ourselves human? It’s easy to love a healthy child. Let’s not go to the extent of empathy – if we stop even having the tolerance to attempt to understand our difficult children, how do we call ourselves human?  

 

Q: But Guru almost rapes a woman. 

 

A: What he did is unacceptable to you and me. And it is unacceptable. But the point is, he did do it. And there are people like him around us. So there are two approaches to such people. We can call for their death, but will it stop rapes? It hasn’t. Because we’re not trying to understand, so we don’t have any insight into the pain of where that person is coming from. You might not feel it is pain, you feel it’s violation, and rightly so. I stand by you and I say it’s violation. But in order to  stop this violation, is capital punishment or any sort of external punishment better than understanding the person’s pain? 

 

I’m not just speaking of sexual pain or repression. Is it better to understand all of it and address it through education, sex education, the way adults behave with children? And to be able to do that, isn’t it better first to have the stomach to see it at least, to look around and see that it’s around us, and not just read about it in newspapers? If we don’t, how are you hoping to find a solution to it? 

 

Q: You speak of Guru’s pain. Increasingly, I see conversations about men in pain due to feminism and a changing world in which they feel isolated, and that this pain is leading to violence. We must study the causes of violence, but I’m concerned about how the focus is turning to sympathy for violent men instead. I saw this in the show Adolescence and wrote about it.

 

A: I read your article, but I haven’t seen Adolescence, so whatever I say doesn’t have the context of Adolescence.

 

Q: It’s frustrating to hear about the pain of such men, when they’re inflicting violence on women. Are you making a distinction between the study of violence and sympathy for male perpetrators of violence?

 

A: Firstly, I want to clearly state that there’s a huge distinction between sympathy and empathy. A piece of work that wants to be reckoned with as comprehensive cannot stop at sympathy for a character, male or female. You’re actually gunning for empathy. If an audience is left feeling sympathy, that’s troubled territory. It’s a thin line, and there’s a lot of confusion about this that can happen in different works. Number 2:  ultimately it cannot just be about showing a troubled character and not having your own external gaze on the person. By this I mean there’s a thin line between condoning that behaviour or characterising it as definitely problematic by the end of your piece. Trying to be empathetic and understand where the behaviour is coming from, but not condoning it – that lens, that gaze is important.

 

Q: Priyanka Bose is very interesting. Something about her makes you stop and notice.

 

A: Priyanka was the only one I had in mind while writing Priti. She’s a great combination of vulnerability – her gut feels so vulnerable – and a solid, hard-boiled, stay-away-from-me, no-nonsense, I’ll-mess-you-up-if-you-mess-with-me feel. She has a vulnerable, honest disposition and a softness in her eyes that pulls you in immediately. 

 


Q: What prompted you to cast Rahul Roy? 

 

A: We knew we needed someone who’s a charmer and has a debonair quality, because Daddy is a ladies man. But when you meet him in the film, he’s on the cusp of decay. You’re seeing the death of a patriarch, in essence. So I also knew I needed someone who’d been privy to that sort of decay. Rahul pretty much cast himself after that. I think he read the part and connected personally to many things. He could see where I was coming from. That was coupled with his dedication. We did a three-month workshop, and literally every day, he’d be the first to arrive and the last to leave, even after the younger actors. I’m not kidding. All three months. 

 

At the end of Week 1, he took me to a corner, looked into my eyes and said, “Sir, yeh main hi karoonga.” When someone comes at you with so much dedication and love for what they’re reading, we don’t have to do anything. He sort of snatched the role from us. 

 

Q: What do you mean by “someone who’d been privy to decay”? 

 

A: After all the highs Rahul had with AashiquiJunoon and other stuff, he went through a low that rivalled the high. He’d seen that decay as an actor. If the actor is emotionally connected enough to the human being, which I think Rahul is, then obviously your experience as an actor seeps into how you’ve lived your life over those years. I think he’d felt that decay and was able to tap into it. 

 

Q: During the two-and-a-half-year wait for Agra’s release, footage of the sex scenes got leaked. How did that happen? 

 

A: Our best guess is that someone subscribed to an OTT platform in France on which the film had come out, and hacked the system. That could have been the only source. The reason I say this is because the version of the film that came out is the French version with hard-coded French subs. So it doesn’t feel like it got out from the Indian Net. 

 

Q: Such an episode is particularly tough in a society like ours where Priyanka would be judged in ways that men are not.  

 

A: Priyanka and Ruhani (Sharma) too. The best we can do is pick up the phone, meet, call. I personally called up Priyanka. She had a terrible, stormy few days. The best we can do is protect her in whatever way we can, reassure her. 

 

Q: Protect her, meaning? 

 

A: I mean, meet, have a drink, talk through it, and say, ‘Listen, we never intended this film for a titillatory purpose, but we always knew that even if it did come out at the right time, people who were going to react to it in that way would anyway have reacted in that way.’ I hesitate to say these people were never our audience, because I have faith that a time will come when even some of them will revisit the film, not just for the sex scenes, but to watch it in its context when they’re done jacking off to certain portions. All we can do is remember that we are on a journey, we fulfilled the purpose with which we set out to do a film like this. Beyond that, as individuals in such an atmosphere, there’s nothing we can control. 

 

Q: How did you get Agra past the Censor Board?

 

A: I was pleasantly surprised. When I walked into the Censor committee meeting, I was prepared for Agra to be reduced to a short film. But they only asked for three visual cuts, out of which I talked them out of two. I convinced them that those two were necessary, and I could achieve the same effect with alterations they wanted. I had to eventually cut just one shot from the film and do some audio dubs, and I got an A certification.

 

Q: What cuts were you asked to make? 

 

A: The only shot that’s gone is a tight close-up of Guru’s ass. They had a problem with nudity. Of the other two shots that had nudity, one featured Guru, the other featured Priti. I covered those shots. I did not delete them. 

 

Q: Did you pixelate them?

 

No. Let’s just say I found a creative way to deal with the problem. 

 

Q: I assumed you’d be told to cut the sex scenes. I did a year-long pan-India investigation into censorship, and came across people being asked to blur shots of chicken, characters’ names being changed, and Honey Trehan’s film about an activist is not being cleared. What does it say about our system that it’s stopping such films? 

 

A: We must not get into a debate about what needs to be censored and what doesn’t. We need a broader debate in which we reiterate that we’re all adults, we must move to a system where a film gets a rating and it’s your call whether or not to watch it. There should be no censorship if we are a democracy, as we claim to be.

 

Images Courtesy IMDB and Agra’s Instagram account

 

Footnote: My first Director’s Cut was with Anurag Kashyap about Raman Raghav 2.0. It was published on Firstpost in 2016. The one just before this was a Payal Kapadia interview about All We Imagine As Light, and was published on The News Minute and Newslaundry in 2024. Read it here: 

https://www.thenewsminute.com/flix/directors-cut-with-payal-kapadia-an-oral-history-of-all-we-imagine-as-light

Friday, July 24, 2020

PARVATHY INTERVIEW: ON COPING WITH DEPRESSION, KERALA DURING THE PANDEMIC AND VIRUS




Parvathy Thiruvothu is in a great place with her career. After back-to-back successes with Uyare and Virus in 2019, she is now preparing for her directorial debut. The National Award winning Mollywood star, who earlier forayed into Bollywood with Qarib Qarib Singlle in 2017, has had scriptwriting and studies to keep her occupied during the COVID-19 pandemic. Still, the ongoing national lockdown has not been easy on her. Although she is relieved that her loved ones are fine, she explains that she has swung on “a pendulum of calm to absolutely anxious” in this time due to the political climate in the country and her own personal challenges. 

In this freewheeling conversation, the actor speaks at length for the first time about her long-time battle with depression. She also discusses her home state Kerala’s response to COVID-19 and lessons from Virus, which is based on the true story of Kerala’s handling of a Nipah outbreak in 2018. Excerpts from an exclusive interview: 

What have you learnt about yourself during this lockdown?

I have learnt that I have incredible mind power. (Laughs) I apply that at my workplace most of the time, but the way I have treated characters that I have played is so much better than how I generally used to treat myself. (Laughs) So, this period has been a deep dive into how I am dealing with my deep-seated depression. I’ve had regular bouts of it that I have been taking care of, without medication at this point, with all the help I can get from online therapy and also being connected to my closest friends.

I’m used to taking time off after 2-3 films, but a choice to lock myself in is different from when it’s mandatory – it suddenly feels stifling. That feeling lasted for about a week of the lockdown. Now I’ve been focusing on my work. Currently I’m writing for my directorial venture and another project with a friend from the industry. It has been very rewarding, but being self-employed is difficult because it requires self-motivation. So, each day I realise a new facet of my mental strength.

What did you mean by saying: I treat my characters better than myself?

My research, pre-production work and under-production work are usually quite meticulous. That’s the period when the focus on Parvathy takes a backseat. Once the routine of getting up at 4 and shooting till 11 at night for about 45-50 days is over, you are suddenly accountable for a full-focus shift back to yourself. You need to do certain housekeeping for your mind and body, and of late I have found that when creating a character I utilise everything in my power for a great output, but with my own mental or physical health, I have not been that meticulous.

I am unlearning the mindset that working on yourself is vain. When it’s something outside of yourself there is so much more value attached to it. What you put out there is visible and tangible. Somehow, you tend to overlook the progress you make within and the importance of it. 

You are not using the word depression casually as people often do. You’re using it to mean clinical depression?

I only use it to mean clinical depression. Sadness and depression are different. I am still learning what all it entails but I understand what it feels and looks like when somebody says they have anxiety and panic attacks, because I struggle with it myself. I have been clinically diagnosed in the last 5 years.

How come you’re being open about it? That’s unusual in India because of prevailing prejudices and ignorance.

I have been open about it from a very young age. Whenever I felt emotionally low, I used to open up and talk about it with school and college friends. Unfortunately, some people I was close with used to say, “Oh my god, you’re addicted to self-pity. Snap out of it.” That was an issue because for a long time I did try that, you know. For years I thought I was making a big deal out of it, maybe I should just snap out of it. Then I realised I was repressing things, that I end up imploding sooner or later. No one would know what to do with me. So, I learnt to be honest with myself. I sought medical help. I figured ways to write down my feelings and tell people.

As an actress I’m used to people having an opinion on me – I stopped giving a damn a long time ago. And while I do suffer from depression, I’m proud of myself. I’m everything I am today, right now speaking to you in this moment, because of how I’ve survived. And continue to. At some point I switched to the mentality of a survivor rather than someone who is suffering every day. Sometimes it’s every waking minute, and I have to literally say out loud: no no, you’re not giving up. It has been an important journey to constantly unlearn the mentality of victimhood and to remind myself with every tool possible that I have the strength to overcome.

Some people do not like to talk about it. That is okay too, as long as they know there is help when they need it. I talk about it a lot but then I go quiet too. And it boils down to one point, Anna – I have benefited a lot from my loved ones making every effort to understand me, but I never expected that from others. First, it’s none of their concern. Second, they don’t owe me understanding. I owe myself understanding. I’d make the effort to let my closest people know what I’m going through, and if they had shamed me then that would have been another fight to win, yeah.

Who or what helped you realise that it’s okay to seek help, to not see it as self-pity?

A family member I am close to once reached out for help and said, “I don’t think I can do it on my own. I am unable to sleep, I am unable to take care of my mind, I am going out of control. Please take me to a doctor.” I was at that juncture when I was “snapping out of it”. The process of taking him to the doctor, seeing his courage, helped me see that I had been in denial and that I too needed proper care.

Initially it was very difficult to go see a therapist – I was afraid of being judged by a stranger. Another struggle was that I was surrounded by a few people who didn’t know what to do with me unless I was in a state of crisis. I held on to my crisis as an identity for a long time. It was difficult to manoeuvre my way out of that. I am no longer in touch with many people who eventually didn’t know what to do with me because suddenly I seemed more confident, open about my issues, dealing with it on my own.

Also, my panic attacks had started physically manifesting as illnesses, pain or breathlessness. It is typical of me that anything coming in the way of my craft will be immediately taken care of, so my initial reason for seeking help was that I wanted to focus better on work.  Now though, I have reached a point where I consistently work on bettering myself. Period.

It’s been a long, really curvy road. I don’t know where it began to be honest, I’m just thinking about it right now when you’re asking me. And now this interview has become about mental health – very interesting.

I wasn’t expecting it either.

How does one distinguish between sadness versus knowing a problem requires a psychiatrist?

I cannot speak for everyone, but I can tell you how it was for me. When my panic attacks first led to breathlessness, I was taken to hospital and nothing was found to be wrong with my body. The doctor said, this is an anxiety attack. The first time – and this was funny – I was at work, and my director and the rest of the team were like, “Wait a second, are you stressed at work? You seem fine.” I was like, “I thought I was fine too, I don’t know what’s happened.” I really didn’t know what was wrong. It was just years of repressed issues that I had okayed without being okay. Eventually the inability to physically perform, the fatigue, the darkness that would engulf me resulting in not wanting to get out of bed, the fact that despite being a stress eater, I even stopped craving that relief, all this told me something was really wrong. If anyone probed, even with the best of intentions, I used to spiral back into panic.

It took several sessions of therapy and me giving up on it too – because I was too scared, I thought they don’t know me, I can’t even relate to what they’re trying to help me with – before I realised that was just scraping the surface. It took a lot of courage to keep going back.

I realised I needed help when it became a norm to not lift my head off the pillow, not want to take care of myself. At the same time, if a loved one was in need I’d be up and helping them, but coming back to myself would immediately paralyse me. That happened a couple of times. I thought I’ll just be given medication to help me sleep, and I did take medication for a little while. That period turned my entire life, physical well-being and my body’s functioning completely topsy-turvy. So, I wanted something better. Ever since I went to therapy and I was clinically diagnosed, I have been on this path of trying different ways to just stay, not leave. To stay in with myself has been the biggest struggle. Yeah. 

Is it the sensitivity that has come from your own mental health concerns that caused you to issue an apology, a clarification, for using the word bipolar in an interview?

Yeah, it was. I was genuinely apologetic. Bipolar by definition alludes to absolute opposites, but that is not the meaning attached to the word in general parlance these days – the word has become synonymous with the mental health condition. So when somebody who I assume has experience with being bipolar called it out for me, I thought it was important for me to correct myself because I would have wanted that if I was on the other end and felt someone was stigmatising or slighting a condition. Yeah.

People often use words like “schizophrenic” and “Alzheimer’s” casually. Is it lack of sensitivity that we need to personally experience something or see a loved one suffering to become conscious of insensitive language, or is this understandable?

It takes a lot of sensitising in terms of either going through it yourself or someone close to you going through it. For example, I was sensitive to any facet of feminism and aware that I will always be a feminist, because I had personal experiences, but when I met further marginalised people speaking up about their struggles, it took listening to them intently for me to realise that you cannot equate your experience with theirs. You have to listen and understand that they are in pain and it’s not a pain that you have endured. It doesn’t cancel out your journey, but it’s important to know more about how uniquely terrifying each person’s struggle is. 

When it comes to language, we are trying to change words that are used to speak about feminists as well, words that used to be treated as a joke.

Words like feminazi?

Ya, like feminazi, and we would be told, “you’re not a good sport, you should just laugh at it.” It took me a long time to stop encouraging those terms, and to not laugh at sexist jokes even when the majority in the room would. Not participating would be my silent yet powerful way of saying I don’t think that was cool.

When did you first speak about your mental health in public? How did you get to a place where you could do that without worrying that people are judging you?

This is the first time I have spoken at such length. Ever since we formed the Women In Cinema Collective (WCC), fear took a good long vacation because everything was at risk. Well, everything is still at risk, so it gave me that sense of there’s no time like now to just be completely who I am. I started alluding to the episodes I have in certain interviews, when the context asked for it. But in my closest circles, since I’ve never been shamed, it’s still easy for me on a day-to-day basis to speak about my emotions. So that gives me confidence too, to be speaking like this to you. Yeah.

The Government of your home state, Kerala, as far as I can recall, was the first to speak about mental health during the lockdown, domestic violence and alcoholism. Was this surprising or expected?

It was completely expected. There was a lot of faith in our administration and our Health Minister, Shailaja Teacher (K.K. Shailaja), especially because of how she handled both waves of the Nipah virus – the first where I actually was in Calicut, the epicentre of the outbreak (in 2018), and the second was in Ernakulam (in 2019) when the movie Virus was about to release. The way hundreds of people were quarantined promptly (during the second wave) and there were no deaths, shows the focus and the immediate jumping into action that our Government has prioritised when it comes to health crises. I personally thought the first wave of Nipah would end up in a massive epidemic or a pandemic. So, the way they’re hitting it out of the park with COVID-19 is completely expected. Anybody who is pro or against, even the Opposition, would commend their handling of this situation despite the glaring lack of support from the Centre. I am proud of them and support them 100 per cent in this matter. Yeah.

People of Kerala seem to have confidence in K.K. Shailaja and Chief Minister Pinarayi Vijayan’s handling of the pandemic. This public confidence is missing from the rest of India. Is this a correct assessment?

It is. I’m certain there are glitches here and there, but there’s an earnestness with which the Kerala Government has taken care of the situation, they are constantly at it, they hold regular press conferences. There is also a difference between the language of Kerala’s communication and the communication from other states. Kerala’s ministers and healthcare representatives are not just giving constant updates, they are also invested in boosting our morale. When they come on screen they always say: we will get over this, we are together in this. As a people, we can sense their confidence. This confidence is reflecting in the undeterred spirit of our nurses and doctors as well. The state government’s handling of COVID-19 has everything to do with it. That is definitely missing in how the Centre is handling this crisis.

In the middle of the pandemic came news that Kerala is the only big state in India with an infant mortality rate in single digits. But Kerala is not perfect. How do we guard against pedestalisation of the state because of all the great things it is doing?

It is critical for people to hold the Government accountable at all times. Like I am supporting what the Kerala Government is doing with COVID-19, but through WCC we have constantly sought answers regarding systems in the film fraternity. As citizens, we seek answers to why there is so much domestic violence and alcoholism in Kerala and what the government will do to solve these problems. We will not forget these things once we are done beating COVID-19. That’s something Kerala is always consistent with: the criticism never dies down. And it shouldn’t.

It is important to commend a government when we are benefiting, but whether you support or oppose the party in power, constantly see what area of society needs more work and keep at it. In Kerala, I know people who support the Government but are the most critical. This is missing in the rest of India. It’s difficult for me to have a conversation with a Central Government supporter with whom there cannot be any criticism. That’s a totalitarian leadership and behaviour of followers. Yeah.

Your film Virus shows the Centre pressuring the Kerala Government to view the 2018 Nipah outbreak as an act of bio-warfare but the state insists on investigating further. Seeing how COVID-19 has been communalised in India, what can we learn from that scene in the film?

That scene was vital to show the handling of such a situation, when we already have a certain blatant warfare towards this minority community. When the Tablighi Jamaat scandal came out, there were big debates happening in internal circles, but at no point did anyone I know (in Kerala) focus on a faith or its failings. This is not to say that Kerala is immune to such communalisation or that it is devoid of Islamophobia and the caste system, but that as of now these social ills are kept in check because we can see what’s happening outside – since our social fabric remains fragile, we must continue to stay alert. 

In popular culture you will notice in recent films a more sensitive portrayal of different communities and more inclusion. Malayala thanima (typical Malayali tradition) does not mean Thrissurile oru mana (an upper caste family home in Thrissur) and a main character is the head of that tharavadu (old household), that’s it. For years we had only one narrative while representing Keralatham (the idea of Kerala) or Malayala thanima. Now we get every aspect of different communities and their stories being told as a regular story, not an exceptional story. The ordinariness of each minority is shown in our popular culture a little more, and that has had a lasting impression on people. I hope this continues.

I’m not blind to the extreme cases of biases I witness in my circles despite all this, but this is what’s keeping us afloat, and that scene in Virus had to be there for us to take a page out of it now. It would be really cool for people to watch Virus at this time.

Why is it important for people to see Virus during this pandemic?

Virus gives an insight that no other film on a pandemic can give because it happened for real. The basic medical facts we have shown in the film are real, and it is an affirmation that things can get better if handled correctly. In Calicut, most people who got the Nipah virus got it because they tried helping someone who was already infected, but then it also took the entire population coming together in a systematic way to stop the spread. It shows the power of community spirit. That is the point of Virus, that is a message that needs to be driven into people, and there’s nothing like cinema to drive a point home. 

This interview was first published on Firstpost on May 27, 2020:

A Malayalam translation of this interview was published in the July issue of Grihshobha magazine: