164: KHILADI 786

Release date:	December 7, 2012
Director:	Ashish R. Mohan
Cast: Language:	Akshay Kumar, Asin, Himesh Reshammiya, Raj Babbar, Mukesh Tiwari, Mukesh Rishi, Mithun Chakraborty, Rahul Singh, Sanjay Mishra, Johnny Lever Hindi

A family of goondas waylays truck drivers on highways and loots them in collusion with the local police. Their son is in search of a bride but no family wants to give him their daughter. A gangster is in search of a husband for his sister, but the combined might of her explosive nature and bro’s explosive career keeps prospective grooms away. The girl is Indu Tendulkar; the ‘boy’ is Bahattar (yes, 72) Singh. You know of course without being told that he is played by Akshay Kumar and she by Asin, that their paths will cross at some point and that they will fall in love.

The name Bahattar forms the crux of one of the film’s many lame jokes. Equally lame is the ‘joke’ that the men in this family are all married to foreigners which means Bahattar’s mother is a white woman and his grandmother is black. This could have been funny except that the point is repeated ad nauseum plus both ladies can’t act. Cliches abound in this film, as frequently as dull songs. In the role of a marriage broker cum wedding planner, Himesh Reshammiya moves his facial muscles here more than he ever has before, but the fact that a non-actor like him gets to hog screen space in all his scenes while the supremely talented Sanjay Mishra is relegated to the role of his sidekick is completely unforgivable, even if Himesh happens to be one of the film’s producers. Johnny Lever appears in a brief role to contort his face a few times. Asin fans may derive consolation from the fact that her character is less insignificant here than she was in Bol Bachchan, but that’s not saying much for an actress who was an established star in southern India when she entered Hindi filmdom with a splash in 2008, before making a series of bad career choices. Still, it must be said that she looks pretty in Khiladi 786, has a natty wardrobe and shows off a refreshingly well-rounded body that’s neither overweight nor skinny in the manner of many of her industry colleagues. 

Nothing, however, illustrates the poor quality of the film’s writing better than the title itself. We’re never given a full explanation for why Bahattar Singh is also widely known as Khiladi 786 in the story (apart from a brief glimpse of one his palms on which the lines form those three numerals), but it doesn’t take much of an IQ to figure out that this is the team’s unsophisticated effort to remind us of Akshay’s run of luck with film titles featuring the word “Khiladi” while also using the numerical significance of 786 to appeal to a community that Bollywood wisdom tells us has primarily been Salman Khan’s catchment area so far. So tacky and in-your-face is the effort that at one point, when Bahattar Singh aka Khiladi 786 has just notched up a major gain in his life, as he walks away from the scene of his victory, he turns to look pointedly at a place of worship that just happens to be there. Finesse is clearly not the strong point of this team.

Equally gauche is the film’s repeated odes to its leading-man-cum-Bollywood-box-office-king-of-2012-so-far Akshay, precisely in the manner that all Salman Khan’s films pay homage to Salman these days. But even a charismatic star like Akshay needs to do more than strut, preen and pose around to be appealing.

It’s not that Khiladi 786 is without any redeeming factors. It actually is genuinely funny in places, my favourite moment being the manner in which Bahattar Singh pronounces the word “valet” to mean something completely different in Hindi. But such moments are few and far between. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind mindless comedies. My issue is that this one is predictable and flat and just occasionally amusing. It actually made me long for Sajid Khan - yes, it is THAT bad.

If your tastes run in the direction of this genre, then here’s another comparison that may help you: with all its loudness and its repetitiveness in the second half, Son of Sardar is a far far far more entertaining film than Khiladi 786. Now have I made myself clear?

Rating (out of five): **

CBFC Rating (India):	U
Running time:	141 minutes

Photograph courtesy: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Khiladi_786

REVIEW 128: HOUSEFULL 2

Release date:	April 6, 2012
Director:	Sajid Khan
Cast:	Akshay Kumar, John Abraham, Riteish Deshmukh, Shreyas Talpade, Rishi Kapoor, Randhir Kapoor, Asin, Mithun Chakraborty, Jacqueline Fernandez, Zarine Khan, Boman Irani, Johnny Lever, Malaika Arora Khan, Shazahn Padamsee

I can deal with Salman Khan urinating on a haystack in Anees Bazmee’s Ready. I can even take the farting ape of Bazmee’s No Problem. I can forgive the now predictable scenario that unfolds at the end of pretty much every Priyadarshan comedy, with the film’s entire cast congregating at one place and chasing each other in circles. But nothing, absolutely nothing, is an excuse for The Great Bollywood Rape Joke.

It was the last straw for me in Housefull 2. It came in a scene in which Sunny (Akshay Kumar) visits his father in the film. Dad is played by Ranjeet, villain of yesteryears. In an allusion to the numerous rape scenes the actor has shot through his career, the name plate behind him reads, “Dr Ranjeet V. Asna K. Pujari”. Get it? Vasna ke pujari? Devotee of lust? Yawn. That’s supposed to be his name. And below that comes the word “therapist”, except that the letter “e” has got partially unhinged from the board, so that it reads, “the rapist”.

When will Bollywood stop treating rape as a source of amusement? Sickening!

It can’t possibly get lower than this, I thought. But I was wrong. Towards the end of the film, when Sunny visits Dad again to introduce him to his bahu (Asin), the old man does not realise that the pretty girl before him is his daughter-in-law. So he leers and approaches her while gradually unbuttoning his clothes and lasciviously chanting the word, “beauty … beauty … beauty,” with every step he takes. Stop! Dad, she’s your bahu, says the son. Creepy Dad halts in his tracks, starts buttoning up again and retraces his steps, while still ogling her and now chanting, “Beti … beti … beti …”

Ugh! Yikes! Ewwww!

How Asin – Bollywood newcomer but star of southern Indian cinema – could have subjected herself to such a scene is beyond me. So I’ll say it again: I have no problem with the crocodile in Housefull 2 biting the bottom of Jolly (Riteish Deshmukh). I can close my eyes to the scene in which a python clings to the penis of Jai (Shreyas Talpade). I can even survive all those shots of lecherous Sunny’s tongue marginally lolling out. But I draw the line at rape!

Let me be very clear about this: I actually do enjoy the occasional mindless comedy and I realise that slapstick humour is often politically incorrect by nature. Despite its rampant sexism, I still laughed through No Entry. In spite of its overt homophobia and crudeness, Kya Kool Hai Hum cracked me up. Welcome was silly but hilarious. The Golmaal series maybe juvenile but I actually had fun with Golmaal 2&3. Though most critics in this country ripped Housefull to bits, I didn’t mind it too much. And what the heck, I found DesiBoyz and parts of F.A.L.T.U. funny. But there is a difference between being cheeky and being distasteful, between being politically incorrect and downright insensitive. And I suspect even diehard devotees of brainlessness would agree with me that when a film maker repeats his own successful formula, it can get boring.

And so, if in Housefull Sajid Khan gave us two men trying to deceive one father and one brother in collusion with two pretty women, he takes the “2” in Housefull 2 rather literally, giving us four men trying to deceive four fathers in collusion with four pretty women whose primary job is to look smashing in skimpy outfits. If in Housefull we were given the song Papa jag jaayega, here in Housefull 2 we get Papa toh band bajaye and Right now. Most of the dialogues involve rhyming words such as Sunny saying, “Langurs, have my angoors.” No you dirty people, it’s not what you are thinking, he’s actually offering grapes – the fruit – to guests!

The formulaic repetitiveness of the plot and dialogues are quite tragic because on a good day, Akshay, Asin, Riteish and Shreyas can be killer comics, and it was nice to see how John had evolved from being Akshay’s sidekick in Garam Masala to standing shoulder-to-shoulder with Akki in Desi Boyz. Besides, there’s some serious … uh … erm … chemistry between Akshay and John here. And the déjà vu notwithstanding, the songs are catchy, visually attractive and well choreographed. Despite everything I’ve said before this, I’ll concede too that there are some genuinely entertaining scenes here and there in the film (especially the ones involving Rishi Kapoor and a wisecrack offered by Johnny Lever about a man, his pregnant mother, his gullible father and their driver). But these scenes are few and far between, there are too many intermittent slow patches and there’s too much that’s a reminder of Housefull in Housefull 2.

But congratulations all the same, Sajid Khan! In Aakhree Pasta (Chunkey Pandey) you have managed to create one of the most irritating characters I’ve seen in a Bollywood comedy. As for you, Shreyas Talpade, having seen you in Nagesh Kukunoor’s splendidly sensitive Iqbal and witnessed your comic abilities in Om Shanti Om, it hurts to watch you in this film!

Rating (out of five): **

CBFC Rating:                       U/A
Language:                              Hindi

Photograph: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Housefull_2:_The_Dirty_Dozen